The Musings of Morgan Rie

I've reached a dead-end in my manuscript. It's taking all my self-control to not delete everything from embarrassment. I spoke about this a bit in my last  post , fear is my biggest weakness. The beauty  (sarcasm) of being a former "gifted kid" is the intense fear of failure. Growing up, I excelled at everything I tried, and I did so immediately . My self-esteem was built on this success, this ability to be exceptional at anything I wanted. Unfortunately, once I began high school, and was able to take classes that would actually challenge me, I broke down. I couldn’t cope with my failures. (Getting a C on one math chapter.) Though I have made some progress in coping with this academically, I still struggle to maintain hobbies. I have abandoned Instagram accounts for drawing, collage journaling, and my dog. I am currently in the middle of seven different books, and it’s been months since I’ve moved the bookmarks in most of them. My bedroom is full of embroidery, callig...

Now that I am to be taking potassium, magnesium, and iron prescriptions for the rest of the foreseeable future, I've been having a lot of mixed feelings about adding these to my weekly pillbox. I already have meds for anxiety, ADHD, and insomnia. I am fine with taking them all, they help me of course, but it can be such a hassle to keep track of everything's dosages, effects, and schedules. --- What’s one more pill? One more thing to swallow. What difference does it make? Add it to my list of things to take. I already  take so many. I already take so many . It doesn’t make a difference, don't make a scene. What if I don’t want my days planned around my pill-popping routine? What’s one more pill? One more thing to swallow.

I recently learned about the #NEISvoid on Twitter, a hashtag for people with chronic health problems and/or disabilities to post under. It stands for “No End In Sight” It's full of everything from venting about doctors (such as in my last post ), mutual aid requests, and tips for managing chronic fatigue. I had seen the tag before, but up until now, I had never wondered what it stood for. I often saw it accompanying the DisabilityTwitter tag, which I occasionally use, so I assumed it had something to do with disability. After writing the above section of this post, I took a break. I then got a call from my doctor, who ordered me a heart ultrasound and a heart monitor that I’ll need to wear for 24 hours. The soonest available appointment was January 4th, and for only the ultrasound. My heart monitor won’t be available until February. They can’t give me a date for when analysis of both of these will be done. It seems to be that I have officially entered the NEISvoid. I’m hoping to f...

Having a mysterious illness is so exhausting, both from the fatigue caused by the illness, and the burnout from all the medical appointments and emergency visits. The emergency visits are especially awful because every twelve hours is a new on-call doctor. I've been to the ER three times in the last two weeks, and I've never had a repeat doctor. I have to recount my entire medical history each time, and explain all the testing and results from the last time I was in. The three doctors I've seen in these visits have all focused on different aspects of the issues I'm having as well, the one tonight completely ignoring my main concern. BELIEVE PATIENTS! I shouldn't have to say that, but just because you've never seen someone show symptoms of low potassium or magnesium before it is extreme, doesn't mean it doesn't happen! I can tell when my potassium is low just by the way I feel! My doctor tonight simply shrugged off my intense chest pain, lightheadedness, ...